The question nobody dares ask
"Should we take her home for Sunday lunch? Or will it be worse for her when we bring her back?" It is one of the questions families ask themselves most and ask staff least — for fear of being told no, or of seeming selfish.
The honest answer: it depends on the stage of the illness, and on how you plan the day. A well-prepared outing is one of the best things you can still give her. An improvised, long, noisy one can spoil three days — for her and for the unit.
When it is a good idea, and when it is not
It almost always works if she is lucid or in the early stages, if the place you take her to is familiar, if the people there are few and known, and if you are back before dusk.
Think carefully if the dementia is advanced, if she has been getting agitated in the late afternoon, if the journey is more than half an hour, or if there is no accessible loo at your house. In those cases saying no is not hardness: for someone who no longer recognises places, going out adds only confusion — and the old house is no longer "home" in her mind.
A middle way that works remarkably well and few families think of: bring the occasion to her. A quiet room in the home, a proper tablecloth, the cake she used to make, two grandchildren at a time. You get 80% of the pleasure with 20% of the risk.
What to arrange first (the costliest mistake is medication)
- Give a few days' notice, not the same morning: the home needs to prepare medication to take out and record the absence.
- Ask for the medication list with exact times and take it with you, along with the doses. This is where it most often goes wrong: a dose missed or given two hours late changes the day. With Parkinson's, timing is critical — thirty minutes late can leave her unable to move.
- Keep her timings, not yours: if she eats at twelve, lunch is at twelve. Shifting mealtimes is one of the surest ways to ruin the day.
- Few people. Three grandchildren arriving at once shouting "Nana!" is an overload, not a treat. Bring people in turns.
- The loo: check beforehand that it is reachable and there is something to hold on to. Take a change of clothes and continence products — it is the most banal reason a lovely day ends in embarrassment.
- Transport: who is going with her, how she gets into the car, and whether you need to borrow a wheelchair. Ask the home — they often lend one.
- The home's number in your pocket, and the name of the nurse on shift.
The return: the part most often got wrong
Come back before late afternoon: agitation builds towards evening (sundowning), and a 7pm return is three times harder than a 4pm one.
Tell staff what time you will be back, so she comes back to something happening rather than an empty room. And say goodbye as always, short and identical: "I'll be back on Wednesday." Drawing out the farewell does not comfort her; it unsettles her.
If she cries when you get back, that is not proof you were wrong to take her out. Ask staff how she was an hour later — the answer almost always puts the moment in proportion.
Fees, absences and insurance
A day out changes nothing about the fee: the room is still paid for, and that is normal. For longer absences (a few nights away) ask the manager what the contract says, and if the local authority or NHS is funding the place, ask specifically how many nights away are permitted before funding is affected — there are limits, and nobody volunteers them. Ask to sign the temporary absence record if the home keeps one: it protects everyone.
Signs not to repeat it
- she gets agitated during the outing and asks to "go home" *while she is at home*;
- she does not recognise the place and looks for the door;
- after the return she stays disoriented for days, not hours;
- she arrives exhausted: an outing that tires her too much costs more than it gives.
If that happens you have lost nothing: change the format, not the frequency. Short, frequent visits at the home beat one big outing every two months.
If the home makes it difficult
If every outing becomes an administrative battle, if they will not prepare the medication, if there is nowhere quiet for a celebration on site, that says something about the organisation.
Curalune Care Help (£69) puts together, usually within 24 working hours, a shortlist of 3 to 5 homes that fit — with the questions to ask about outings, family space and flexibility on timings.
*General information, not medical advice. Where the clinical situation is unstable, always agree the outing with the home's GP or nurse first.*
