The problem is not a lack of love, it is the distance
You live 400 miles away, or in another country. The phone rings: she has had a fall, or the hospital wants to arrange discharge, or the neighbour is worried. You cannot tour ten homes, drop in daily, or judge from a photograph.
That is not a failing on your part. It is a situation that needs a different set-up from the one families ten minutes away use. Here is what works.
1. Build the local network now, not during the crisis
Make a list with numbers and keep it on your phone
- the GP surgery and its reception;
- the pharmacist: they see your mother more often than anyone, spot missed prescriptions, and answer the phone;
- a neighbour with a spare key, who knows they can call you;
- the postman, the corner shop, the milkman: the people who see her daily notice she has stopped going out before anyone else;
- the carer or home help, if one is in place;
- adult social services at the council, and the local Age UK office, who know what is available in that area.
This network is worth more than any camera.
2. The paperwork to hold before anything happens
At a distance, not having a document costs days. Build a digital folder and keep a paper copy at home:
- ID, NHS number, GP practice details;
- an up-to-date medication list with doses and times — photograph the repeat prescription slip and the dosette box;
- contact details for the GP and any consultants;
- Attendance Allowance award letters, council financial assessment, and pension details;
- lasting power of attorney — both types — or deputyship order;
- any advance decision and her stated wishes;
- a list of banks, insurers and utilities — without passwords.
3. The two things that change everything, and get done too late
Lasting power of attorney, for health and welfare *and* for property and financial affairs. While she has capacity she can choose who acts for her. Once capacity is gone you need the Court of Protection: it takes months, and in the meantime you can sign nothing. Register it — an unregistered LPA cannot be used.
Permission to speak to the doctors. Confidentiality quite properly blocks relatives. Get her written consent for the practice and the hospital to share information with you while she can give it. Without it, from a distance, you will phone a ward that cannot tell you anything.
4. Technology: what helps and what only reassures you
- Useful: an automatic pill dispenser that alerts when a dose is missed; an automatic fall detector for someone who will not wear a pendant; the council's telecare service.
- Useful differently: short, regular video calls — not to assess, but to keep the connection.
- Misleading: a camera. It will show you that she has fallen; it will not pick her up. No camera replaces someone calling round.
And above all: you cannot assess by telephone. On the phone everyone is fine. The changes show up in the fridge, the bathroom, and the pile of unopened post.
5. Use your visits as an audit, not a coffee
When you go, time is short. Do it in this order
- medical appointments, stacked together — go in with her; it is the only time you will hear the doctor;
- the bathroom and the night: can she get off the toilet, is there light on the route, are there rugs;
- the fridge and the medication: photograph both, so you have a reference for next time;
- unopened post: unpaid bills and reminders are one of the earliest signs of decline;
- the neighbours: introduce yourself, leave your number.
6. Name the split between siblings, or it poisons everything
The one who lives near does the work. The one far away feels they do nothing — and the one nearby feels they carry everything. Say it out loud and divide it explicitly: one does the day to day, the other takes the admin, the phone calls, the search for a home and, where possible, a financial share. Those tasks work perfectly at a distance, and they genuinely lighten the load.
7. Decide in advance what happens "on the day"
At a distance the decision arrives as a phone call at 3am. Prepare before: which area to search (near her or near you), what budget, what is non-negotiable (secure dementia unit? own room?). And have a shortlist of homes already identified.
That is exactly what we do for families who cannot tour twenty homes: Curalune Care Help (£69) puts together, usually within 24 working hours, a shortlist of 3 to 5 homes matched to the area, the level of care and the budget, with direct contacts and the questions to ask — enough to phone and decide from wherever you are.
*General information, not medical or legal advice.*
