The rule that decides the whole suitcase
In a nursing home laundry goes through an industrial wash: hot water, strong detergent, high-heat dryer. Anything wool, silk, "hand wash only" or "dry clean" will come back shrunk, or will not come back. It is the first thing to know, because it decides what goes in the bag.
So: cotton and hard-wearing synthetics, mid or dark colors (stains show less), and nothing you would be upset to lose.
Clothes: how much and which
- about 7 complete outfits: underwear, socks, tops, pants or skirts. Fewer creates laundry anxiety; many more will not fit the closet, which is always small.
- front fastenings: if she needs help dressing, buttons and zippers at the front are the difference between dignity and a struggle. Avoid anything that goes over the head if her shoulders hurt.
- 2 cardigans or sweaters and a light jacket: facilities go from warm to drafty in ten feet.
- closed-back, non-slip shoes — not backless slippers, one of the most banal causes of falls.
- 3 or 4 nightgowns or pajama sets that open easily.
- everything name-labeled, sewn in or iron-on. Marker pen fades by the third wash.
The paperwork (copies, not originals)
- photo ID, Medicare and Medicaid cards, and any supplemental insurance card;
- medication list with doses and times, and the bottles: hand these to the nurse, not into the bedside drawer;
- recent prescriptions, hospital discharge summary, latest labs;
- allergies and intolerances on a separate sheet;
- the Medicaid application or approval paperwork if that is how the stay is funded;
- durable power of attorney for health care and finances, guardianship papers if any, the advance directive / living will, and a POLST or DNR form if one exists — bring the actual document, not a description of it;
- contact numbers for two family members, cell phones included.
The things that make the room hers
This is the part families underrate and the part that changes the first weeks most:
- photographs with names written on the back — they help her, and they let staff talk to her about her family;
- a recognizable blanket or quilt, her own pillow;
- a radio or a player with the music of her twenties;
- a large clock that also shows the day and date: it helps someone who gets disoriented far more than it sounds;
- a familiar bedside lamp, and a night light;
- if allowed, her own armchair: ask first, for space and fire code.
What to leave at home
- jewelry, valuable watches, more than a little cash. Take little, and ask for a signed inventory of what came in — facilities are required to protect residents' funds and belongings, and the inventory is how you hold them to it;
- irreplaceable items: if losing it would hurt, it does not come;
- space heaters, candles, extension cords: nearly always prohibited;
- medications in her purse: they must be managed by the nursing team, or you risk double doses.
Label glasses, hearing aid (with batteries and charger), dentures and their case as well. These are the items that go missing most, and their absence worsens confusion and appetite within days.
The single most useful thing: one page about her life
One sheet of paper, handed to the director of nursing on day one: what she did for a living, her children's and grandchildren's names, what she likes to be called, what time she wakes, how she takes her coffee, what calms her, what frightens her, what she likes talking about, what she cannot stand.
It is the most underrated tool families have and the one staff use most: it genuinely changes how she is cared for, because it turns her from "the lady in 12" into a person with a history.
The first day: the classic mistakes
- Arrive in the morning, not at 6pm. Late afternoon is the worst time: shift change, and sundowning building.
- Do not all come at once. Two people, not eight.
- Unpack with her and hang the photographs *before* you leave: a room that is already hers is nothing like an empty room with a bag on the floor.
- Do not stay all day. It feels harsh, but staff need to establish a direct relationship with her, and that does not happen with the family present.
- Say goodbye short and identical: "I'll be back Wednesday." Drawing it out does not comfort her.
Before you go, ask: who her primary nurse and social worker are, what number to call in the evening, how laundry works, how the resident trust fund for small personal spending works, and when the first care plan meeting will be — you have the right to attend, so ask for the date in writing.
And for what to expect next: the first weeks in a nursing home, what is normal.
If the facility is not chosen yet
Curalune Care Help ($89) puts together, usually within 24 business hours, a shortlist of 3 to 5 facilities matched to your area, the level of care needed and the budget, with direct contacts and the questions to ask.
*General information. Every facility has its own rules: ask for their official list before buying anything.*