The question nobody dares ask
"Should we bring her home for Sunday dinner? Or will it be worse for her when we take her back?" It is one of the questions families ask themselves most and ask staff least — for fear of being told no, or of seeming selfish.
The honest answer: it depends on the stage of the illness, and on how you plan the day. A well-prepared outing is one of the best things you can still give her. An improvised, long, noisy one can spoil three days — for her and for the unit.
When it is a good idea, and when it is not
It almost always works if she is lucid or in the early stages, if the place you take her to is familiar, if the people there are few and known, and if you are back before dusk.
Think carefully if the dementia is advanced, if she has been getting agitated in the late afternoon, if the drive is more than half an hour, or if there is no accessible bathroom at your house. In those cases saying no is not hardness: for someone who no longer recognizes places, going out adds only confusion — and the old house is no longer "home" in her mind.
A middle way that works remarkably well and few families think of: bring the occasion to her. A quiet room at the home, a real tablecloth, the pie she used to make, two grandchildren at a time. You get 80% of the pleasure with 20% of the risk.
What to arrange first (the costliest mistake is medication)
- Give a few days' notice, not the same morning: the home needs to prepare medications to send along and document the absence.
- Ask for the medication list with exact times and take it with you, along with the doses. This is where it most often goes wrong: a dose missed or given two hours late changes the day. With Parkinson's, timing is critical — thirty minutes late can leave her unable to move.
- Keep her timings, not yours: if she eats at noon, dinner is at noon.
- Few people. Three grandchildren arriving at once shouting "Grandma!" is an overload, not a treat. Bring people in turns.
- The bathroom: check beforehand that it is reachable and there is something to hold on to. Take a change of clothes and continence products.
- Transportation: who is going with her, how she gets into the car, and whether you need to borrow a wheelchair — homes often lend one.
- The home's number in your pocket, and the name of the nurse on shift.
The rule to check: leave of absence
Day trips are almost never a problem. Overnight stays can be. Ask the home directly: "How many days of leave are permitted before the bed and the subsidy are affected, and does that differ for hospital leave versus family leave?" Most provinces set a limit on absence days per year for publicly funded beds, and the answer is rarely volunteered. Get it in writing and ask that the leave be documented.
Whatever the arrangement, a day out changes nothing about the monthly charge: the bed is still paid for, and that is normal.
The return: the part most often got wrong
Come back before late afternoon: agitation builds toward evening (sundowning), and a 7pm return is three times harder than a 4pm one.
Tell staff what time you will be back, so she returns to something happening rather than an empty room. Say goodbye as always, short and identical: "I'll be back Wednesday."
If she cries when you get back, that is not proof you were wrong to take her out. Ask staff how she was an hour later — the answer almost always puts the moment in proportion.
Signs not to repeat it
- she gets agitated during the outing and asks to "go home" *while she is at home*;
- she does not recognize the place and looks for the door;
- after the return she stays disoriented for days, not hours;
- she arrives exhausted: an outing that tires her too much costs more than it gives.
If that happens you have lost nothing: change the format, not the frequency. Short, frequent visits beat one big outing every two months.
If the home makes it difficult
If every outing becomes an administrative battle, if they will not send the medications, if there is nowhere quiet for a celebration on site, that says something about the organization. The residents' and family councils can raise exactly this.
Curalune Care Help (CA$99) puts together, usually within 24 business hours, a shortlist of 3 to 5 homes that fit — with the questions to ask about outings, family space and flexibility on timings.
*General information, not medical advice. Leave rules vary by province — confirm with the home. Where the clinical situation is unstable, agree the outing with the physician first.*