The face goes before the feeling
You walk in and your mum looks at you with distant warmth, the way you look at a pleasant person whose name escapes you. It is one of the most painful parts of dementia — and one of the most misunderstood.
In the brain, recognition of a face and a name goes long before recognition of a feeling. Your mum may not know you are her son and know perfectly well that you are someone safe, someone who does her good. That part stays lit when almost everything else has gone out.
The question never to ask
"Mum, do you know who I am?" It is the question nearly everyone asks and the one that does the most damage: it puts her on the spot and she feels she has failed without understanding why. Introduce yourself as if it were the most natural thing in the world: "Hi Mum, it's Mark, your son — I brought you a slice."
Do not correct her reality
Contradicting her ("Nan died thirty years ago") makes her grieve again, each time as if for the first. Step into her time and move her gently: "That's all sorted — come and sit down, I brought something." Answer the emotion, not the fact.
What works better than words
- Hands. Holding hers, hand cream, filing her nails, brushing her hair.
- The music of her youth — her late teens and twenties. People who no longer speak sing whole verses.
- Doing something together rather than talking: folding towels, walking the corridor, sitting outside and watching the birds.
- Old photographs, names written on the back.
- A taste from home.
- Silence together — that is a complete visit. You are not there to entertain her.
When to come, and for how long
Short, frequent visits beat long, rare ones, and mornings or early afternoon beat late in the day, when agitation builds: sundowning is a real pattern, not a bad mood.
If she gets angry, or wants to go home
Aggression in dementia is nearly always fear, pain or too much stimulation — not malice towards you. Lower your voice, slow down, take noise away. Avoid "this is your home now": "home" is often not an address, it is the feeling of being safe, and you can give her that where she is.
Leaving, and what genuinely consoles
Say goodbye simply and always the same way: "I'll be back Wednesday." If leaving distresses her, ask staff to involve her in something as you go.
She will not remember the visit. But the mood you leave behind lasts hours — care staff see it every day. Ask them how she is after you have gone: that question tells you more than any memory whether you are getting it right.
If the home makes visiting hard
Nowhere quiet to sit, no garden, a television at full volume, staff who tell you nothing: if every visit is a fight with the surroundings, it is not you doing it wrong. Free advocacy through OPAN can help you raise it without it becoming a confrontation.
Curalune Care Help (A$109) puts together, usually within 24 business hours, a shortlist of 3 to 5 homes that fit — with the questions to ask about family space, secure gardens and dementia-specific units.
*General information, not medical advice. Any sudden change in behaviour should be evaluated by a doctor: in older adults a urinary tract infection often shows up as confusion alone.*